Monday, July 28th

NST was normal. Ultrasound was normal. Doctor's visit - normal. However, neither of us left Duke University Hospital feeling normal. Our first meeting with doctor Small was relatively uneventful for most of the chat. She felt that Emma was progressing well, but aired on the side of caution. It's her belief that we should stick to the August 18th induction due to the possibility of increasing the chances of stillbirth related to gastroschisis. Neither of us acknowledged what she had said. It was the first time that either of us had heard that there was a relation between gastroschisis and stillbirth. Ashley continued down her list of questions, but I could tell there was a subtle change in the tone of her voice. Finally, Dr. Small shook our hands and wished us well. We scheduled the remainder of our appointments before the induction and headed back to the car. 

I dropped off my wife at home and headed back to work. I thought about her and Emma on the long drive back. We have run the gamut of emotions during this pregnancy. I don't think the thought of losing Emma to this birth defect has ever been very far from either of our minds. We have been loyal to telling each other that everything was going to be alright. We know it may not.

When I was only four years old I loved to catch garden spiders. My mom didn't like that idea as much, so I'd head out of her sight to a friends backyard. I a saw a good one. I usually had a glass jar to catch them with, but I'd forgotten it at home. I decided to use my hands. Got him. I was so excited to show the spider to my parents that I ran all the way home. I called to my mom to come to the door since I couldn't use my hands. She came. I showed her what I had and she screamed. She swatted the spider out of my hand. "That was a black widow! It could have killed you." I started to cry. I didn't know I had done anything wrong or was in danger at all. It could have bitten me, but it didn't. After the catch and all the jostling from the run home it let me be. Sometimes your greatest fears may be present, whether you are aware or not, and they may feel as tangible as what lay in the palms of your hands, or as distant as a future that has not yet come to be. 

We will keep our hands tightly cupped around the feeling that Emma is happy, she is healthy, and that everything is going to be alright.